Do you want someone to listen to problems; try to inspire and encourage you; bring cheer to your gloomy atmosphere; be the cheerleader for your goal, etc.? This attitude — when it goes both ways — contributes to strong, healthy relationships. Are you giving what you want to get?

When you are supporting your relationships, you show the appropriate level of attachment, love, care, stability,  and predictability. There are two ways you can hinder the relationship: when support should be there and it is not and/or when your support is inconsistent. Both attitudes make the relationship vulnerable, unstable, and unsuccessful.

If you tell someone, “I have your back! I got you!” are similar words; you have to mean it. Otherwise, your partner will suffer negative consequences in so many ways. It will make it more difficult to resolve differences or conflicts, and the same issues resurface over and over.  

You may think that you are supportive. However, you may be one of the biggest hindrances in a person’s life and not know it. Often, a person may not know how to let you when you are letting them down; or they may have tried to tell you and you fought against what was being said. You can turn things around. If you notice any of these signs in how you deal with those you love or even those you have a passing relationship with, you are not being supportive you are being a hindrance.

*  Do you  minimize the feelings of others?

The answer is yes when they say things like “omg, that isn’t a big deal” or “you’re getting way too upset over this” etc. Instead, you should be validating their emotions instead of questioning the validity of what they are feeling. When someone is upset or worried, those emotions deserve to be recognized. You don’t have to agree with them. You should not put yourself in a place where you would approve/disapprove of them. You should do your best to understand by asking questions. Or, at the very least, by being present if they need to talk.

*  Are you dismissive during tough conversations?

Being dismissive is very similar to minimizing, but in this case, you completely brush off the person speaking when they are trying to have a serious conversation.

These things and more will leave the one who is talking, feeling alone and ignored. You may find it hard to talk about serious things. However, if you want to be supportive and not a hindrance, you will gladly hear them out.  

*  How often have you heard the words, “I thought you were there, but you let me down?”

When you evaluate the importance of someone else’s activity, event, thoughts, etc. you risk putting them on the back burner. Then anything and everything you deem “more important” will pull your attention, time, and support. If you are the person who should want to celebrate important moments, do so. You know when someone is depending on you. When you don’t show up, you are not experiencing things that are special. You are also sending the (very loud) message that they aren’t a priority in your life. (It is true whether or not you believe it.)

*  Do you find it hard to celebrate someone else’s success?

Be concerned when you have to fake excitement when things go well in someone else’s life, e.g. promotions, achievements, awards, random acts of kindness, etc. If you continually fail to be there for those moments, over time, you will create a distance between you and that person. While there could be many reasons you aren’t supportive, the impact is the same; you are hindering their ability to celebrate.

*  Are you only interested in your goals?

Whether a person wants to go to grad school, adopt a dog, buy a house, wake up an hour earlier than usual, etc., to be supportive, you will be right there helping create that vision board. You hinder them when you won’t cheer them on, don’t look for or find ways to help, won’t ask questions, are not interested, etc. They will have to do it all on their own and might resent you for it. The sad thing is when the shoe is on the other foot, you want an orchestra, a twenty-one-gun salute, and a vision meeting every day.

*  Do you make everything about you? Have you been told that more than once?

People who are unsupportive have a way of taking someone else’s moment and making it about themselves. It does not matter if the moment was good, bad, or otherwise. You are a hindrance when you interrupt when someone is venting about their day and turn it around and talk about how your day was so much worse. You are a hindrance when you decide the problem is about you, no matter what is being discussed. You are a hindrance when you are at the center of the universe and everything has to revolve around what you think, what you feel, and what you want.   

*  Do you disappear when times get tough?

You should be there at important events. Not the events that you deem important, but the ones the person you are dealing with deems important. This is not about celebrations and awards. This is about major life events (health issues, job change, accident, etc.). In this instance, you don’t get to decide if it is important or not. You should be there, not only physically, but emotionally. Do a brief check and see where you are when someone needs you, especially emotionally. Do you find something else to do?

*  Do you miss the little ways you could help?

If you are going to be supportive, you have to be invested in the life, goals, and visions for their future of the one you are supporting. A great way you can do that is by looking for small ways to help make someone’s life easier. You might bring cookies in to work for everyone, drive to an important test so they can have five extra minutes to study. The goal is to look for little ways to help. If this is missing from your relationships, you could be more supportive. It really isn’t too much to ask.

*  Do you talk over the one speaking?

You are unsupportive when you talk over the one speaking. Everyone slips up and interrupts occasionally. However, it’s not OK for you to keep talking over someone. If someone is talking, it is because they want to share, even if it is just a funny anecdote. If you often cut them off , the message you are sending is, “What you are saying does not matter as much as what I am saying,” The solution is not to say, “I don’t mean to cut you off” and keep talking because YOU ARE CUTTING THEM OFF! The solution is to say, “I’m sorry I cut you off, please continue” If not, you hinder their desire to talk with you or even open up with anyone. Though it is their choice, they may feel what they have to say is not important enough.

*  Do you have a tendency to be negative without realizing it?

When asked about anything, is your answer  negative? Do you have a critical attitude about just about everything? Do you feel like your life is not going well and there’s nothing good happening for you? Are you unable to find encouraging things about yourself? Can you name/list your goals for the future? Do you focus on negative things about other people? Are you the one that always points out the flaws?

To be supportive, you should have some positivity in your life. If you have none, how can you have positive things to say about anyone else? The constant negativity and pessimism are not only a distraction but a real hindrance for someone who is trying to move forward.

*  Do you fail to follow-up?

It takes but a minute to send a text. You should ask yourself why there is a lack of follow-through and communication. It is important to be clear on the needs and desires of the person you are supporting. If you don’t know, you can’t support and you will most probably hinder.

*  Do you always have an excuse?

You are not supportive if you always have an excuse for not doing what you promised. You hinder and send messages you may not intend to send.

If you are going to support and not hinder, stop making excuses. Yes, we all make excuses at some point because we are all fallible human beings. However, when you recognize and take ownership of your own failures and weaknesses, you can then be more supportive of others.

*  Are you always the victim?

It’s normal to be unsatisfied in some parts of your life. That will not stop you from being supportive. However, it’s important to look at your entire life. If you notice similar patterns across different areas of your life, you might have a victim mentality. If you are the victim more than you are not, you don’t support, you actually hinder by making the person you are talking to the villain.

Look for these signs: 

• ‌You blame others for the way your life is.
• ‌You have trouble coping with problems and feel powerless against them. 
• ‌You feel stuck in life and approach things with a negative attitude. 
• ‌You feel attacked when someone tries to offer helpful feedback. 
• ‌You feel bad for yourself and somehow get relief.
• ‌You attract people who blame others and complain about their life. 
• ‌You find it hard to examine yourself and make changes.

If you are going to be a support to someone, and not a hindrance, you must get rid of the victim mentality. At some point in your life, you learned this behavior as a coping mechanism and held on to it. However, you have the power to overcome it. You should overcome it because not only are you and hindrance to others, you are also a hindrance to yourself (see the next item to do so).

*  Are you a hindrance to yourself?

Here are ways to make sure you are not a hindrance to yourself. If you can take care of you, it is entirely possible for you to be a support to someone else. These are the things you must do if you are going to be a support to yourself and not your worst hindrance. 

§  Take responsibility. 

You are the only one who controls your actions. You cannot control others, but you can control how you react to them. You control who you spend your time with and where. Realize your potential and get in the driver’s seat of your life.

§  Practice self-care and self-love.

People subconsciously adopt victim mentalities as a way to cope. Showing yourself compassion will help you find healthier ways to deal with issues.

§  Journal what you feel.

Writing your perspective, positive and negative experiences, insights, etc. can be a helpful tool when you are trying to work through your feelings.

§  Start saying no. 

You can say no to something you don’t want to do. It’s okay. Even if other people feel you are letting them down, take care of your energy and prioritize yourself.

§  Educate yourself. 

Read books about the victim mentality and how it affects your life. Consider seeking therapy. The more you educate yourself on the topic, the more likely you are to avoid that way of thinking.

§  Develop a strong support network.

If you are not seeing the success that you would like in your life, it may be time to evaluate your environment. You may need to change your playground and change your playmates (Marilyn Moseley). You can support when you are supported.

§  Create the environment you want to live in.

Your surroundings have some impact on you as well as what you do. It is important to evaluate those relationships and situations that affect you negatively. Your environment includes your family, friends, colleagues, and anyone you interact with.